Living with Depression: A Noisy Companion

What I do when things get bad

Depression is a tricky beast. Even when you’re hanging by a thread, dazzed, dazzled and confused, but without any immediate threat to your physical health, depression can make you feel like doing absolutely nothing. I hear the term “procrastination” a lot, and I can see why a society so obsessed with productivity would like to think in this way, but I think it’s often misused and maybe it’s even a useless concept. When you’re depressed, you’re not procrastinating: you’re using all the resources you have to withstand the pain, the feeling of inner dissolution.

When Gregor Samsa woke up one morning from unsettling dreams, he found himself in his bed, changed into a monstrous bug. (Kafka, Metamorphosis, free translation by myself)

Dreams are indeed unsettling and so many time I’ve felt like Kafka’s monstrous bug, maybe a cockroach. Unbelonging and undesired. At such times, I might genuinely want to crawl back into bed and stay there, maybe lose myself in a book, YouTube videos, mind-numbing action movies, or music. Life, pleasure, the possibilities of a brand new day? All lost, erased by my imaginary before it even started.

Just not there. Like everything, live & time & self lost their meaning.

So many times, to me, Midjourney and SDXL are a way of getting out into the world some of the images that I create inside of me. Those tools have been opening up imaginary realms that photography cannot touch and I’m glad I lived to get a change to push my limits and try to describe what I barely see. (This image took more than one week and 100+ variations to get where it is, and it still isn’t final. By the author, using Midjourney 5.2)

Depression manifests in countless ways, and we all have our own methods of coping. Taking antidepressants, practicing yoga, or meditating — these can help, but they’re not magic bullets. They won’t solve every problem depression throws our way. Recently, I’ve been struggling to do any real work — “productive” work. Even when trying to use my tactic of tackling more mundane tasks, those that don’t require creativity, like fine-tuning websites or doing text edits that don’t require creative input, it’s like being a slave to myself.

There’s no universal advice for dealing with depression because we’re all so wonderfully different. What I can offer are some pragmatic things I do when the bed is shouting out my name in very loud tones. My experience might resonate with others, and I’d love to hear about the tactics and strategies you’ve found helpful in getting up and facing the world. That will come soon, as another article.

But here’s the thing: we’re all on our own journey, dealing with our own unique challenges and circumstances. The roots of our depression are as diverse as we are. Pills won’t magically make us happy or creative. The way I see it, depression is like this really loud, obnoxious noise — imagine living with a never-ending construction site within you. Sometimes it’s quiet, sometimes that thing within you is working hard to make it impossible to … be yourself. It’s disruptive, making it impossible to focus on anything else. When medication works, it’s like someone hit the mute button on that noise, giving you some moments of blissful peace.

Noizzzz… Lots of it. Unbearable, but where do you escape to when it’s all inside your mind? (Image by the author.)

That peace isn’t a solution in itself, however. There are no “feel-good pills” that will instantly fix everything (well, maybe there are some drugs, but they’re usually addictive and create a weird bubble around you, disconnecting you from reality). There’s no fast acting pain killer mixed with a clever LSD targeted to make things look shinny bright. You won’t suddenly be happy. But you might find a quiet space within yourself, and from that stillness, it’s up to you to build something new. It’s your choice what to do next.

You won’t suddenly be happy. But you might find a quiet space within yourself, and from that stillness, it’s up to you to build something new.

Depression is like being trapped in a place of deep discomfort, with a constant, mind-numbing noise that clouds your thoughts and feelings. It’s like having a perpetual root canal, the pain consuming your every waking moment. Antidepressants, cannabidiol (if it’s legal where you are — in Brazil, you need a prescription, and I highly recommend getting one because different types work differently, and it might not be for everyone), or other treatments can help reduce that noise to a more manageable level. And that’s the best-case scenario: it becomes bearable.

From there, it’s up to you to decide what comes next. What can you create? How do you want to spend your day? Don’t get caught up trying to plan out the next 10, 20, or 50 years. Just focus on today, or maybe the week ahead if you need to deal with bills and such. But don’t overreach — that quickly becomes a burden, and burdens and depression don’t mix well.

I’m not a fan of ending texts with a tidy “in summary.” Life goes on, the text goes on, and that’s that. As I do need to wrap this up, I’ll say this: dealing with any hard thing involves a lot of experimentation. Persistence is key, and having a few trustworthy people to talk to seems pretty important, too.

Hang in there, talk about it, shout about it, look for help. Write on Medium, maybe?, or draw something, keep a diary, go for long walks.

Feel free to leave a comment if you’d like — I always appreciate hearing from you.

Be well!